Tuesday, March 13, 2012

TEN YEARS OLD AND BRAVE

Last night my kid remembered he didn't brush his teeth after all the lights were out and he had gone to bed.

Then he remembered how scared of the dark he was.

So...he gets up, slowly (very slowly) fixes his pajama bottoms and slowly (very slowly) tucks his t-shirt in. When I asked him what he was doing he said he "was getting his brave on".

Then he ran into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, ran back to the bedroom, and said "that was stinkin' scary Mommy but I did it anyway"

This child of mine says everything I need to know about anything with his actions.

I want to be just like him.

Monday, March 12, 2012

IF ONLY HE WOULD...


Me:  (in my absolutely correct, self-righteous voice)  "IF ONLY HE WOULD GET A JOB, STOP WITH THE DOPE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ANGER AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES THIS MARRIAGE COULD WORK".  I meant it too.

Her:   An awesome Higher Power with an awesome dog (in a non-judgemental ...for real... voice) "Do you look at the western skies and want them to be drywall and spackle instead of wide open? Do you look at a zebra and want it to be a giraffe, a kitten or a pine bark beetle? Did you look at  your week old son and want him to be potty trained and playing varsity basketball?"

Me:   "No. Never." In my head i was thinking "What kind of damn question is that?" but i didn't let it fly.

Her:   "Well then....you have a start and are on your way."

And so I was. The clueless look on my face was for real.

Friday, March 9, 2012

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME

Here are five weird things about me:

     1.)     I only eat an even number of cheese and crackers. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I eat an odd number of  cheese and crackers but it doesn't matter because I don't do it.
     2.)     I keep my underwear in a drawer in my dining room. Either it's a freudian slip or I had an empty drawer and a need to put my underwear somewhere.
     3.)     I drive better when I wear lipstick. I don't question this. It's the way it is.
     4.)     I sleep on the floor all over the house. And sometimes I wake up in different places than where I went to sleep.  So far I haven't gone to sleep or woke up on the bathroom or the kitchen.
     5.)     I think people who drink grape soda throw up on buses. I think I'm right about this but I can't prove it.

OK... So I am weird...And honesty isn't always dignified...And I am not sure if this is about humility or humiliation...But it's the way I am and I am cool with it.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

GENTLE HEART?

I saved a stink bug today. It was drowning upside down in my dish water. I picked it up and took it outside and made sure it flew away.

I don't know whether I am a gentle heart, a superhero, or an idiot.

There is a stink bug out there that thinks I am a superhero. I'm thinking the bug is right. So... for tonight I am claiming, celebrating, and living in my superhero capabilities.

It's a hard job but somebody's got to do it.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

RIGHT

Sometimes...when I am at my most trivial and small...I give a crap about being right. Worse than that I loose site of the fact that I don't have the right to hurt people because I am right nor do I have the right to shove something down somebodies throat because I am right. At that point, I leave the land of trivial and small and jump headfirst into the land of disgusting. And damaging. And ignorant.

That is where I went today. It felt like it was justified at the time and it feels like $#!t now.

Damn it.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

INTERVENTION

I watched INTERVENTION on TV for the first time and two weeks later I still have the urge to throw the sofa through the television.  What really kicked my butt was watching how deadly the enabling and care taking was and knowing just how much of it I have done in my life. I am totally and absolutely more comfortable being a drunk and belligerent abusive person and trying to change that than I am being somebody that is abusing somebody else in order to be comfortable and make myself feel OK. I always justify myself by saying that the other person will feel so much better if they just did things my way because I have their best interests at heart. Those last couple of statements prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that  honesty can be undignified.  And so can I.  Some parts of me make me want to puke.

Al-Anon...Here I come.

Monday, March 5, 2012

ABOUT ME

OK.... Jamie H. is NOT my real name. It is the name my boy gave me.  "H" IS my middle initial.  Hawk Kai is not my kids name either. It is what I call him because of his ability to see things so clearly.

I am not trying to hide anything whatsoever. I have chosen to use these names partly because they mean something to me and my kid and partly because I take the concepts of anonymity and humility very seriously. That is the reason I don't list my location.  I am hoping that what I choose to write about touches the human heart in all of us rather than some prescribed label group created to categorize people into certain places and leaving them there. I believe in everybody and I want this to be a place where people feel free to grow, heal, change and become whatever they are created to be. That may be harder if people knew who I am and where I am coming from.

That being said, I write about me, my life, loved ones, and my experience along my way and those that have met me may reconize some of my stories.  If that happens I ask that you not tell the world who I am because in reality, I am just one in billions, trying to do the next right thing. and while I do actually know my name, that is about all I know about myself. This whole thing is an expedition into the great wide open to find myself, create myself and be myself.

Friday, March 2, 2012

SHE LET GO ~ ERNEST HOLMES

I found a portion of this thing in a book and googled it. The best I can tell it is the entire poem, although I don't know that for sure because while it's possible to find copies of it a million times over on the internet, I cannot find exactly where and when it was published. It seems to always be attributed to Ernest (or Earnest) Holmes. Even though this is exactly, and I mean exactly, what happened to me, I never would have been able to know that until I read this.  It is just amazing.


SHE LET GO

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. she let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of all the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

~Ernest Holmes

Thursday, March 1, 2012

PERSPECTIVE

My kid has a turtle named Max. About six months ago Max didn't eat his evening meal.

Here was my reaction:
                    HE'S SICK!! HE'S SICK!! HE'S DYING!! HE WILL BE DEAD BY MORNING!!

Here was my kids reaction:
                    He's not hungry.

Today Max is alive and well and everybody knows who has the brains in the family.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

FEAR

My dog weighs somewhere around seventy five to eighty pounds. He's got teeth like an alligator and is strong enough to pull a 200 pound person miles down the road if he so chooses. He was bred to hunt bear but I don't let him do that. He commands attention and respect wherever he goes.

Here is the thing. He is petrified of stink bugs. One little bug will make him shake, howl, and run into walls.  I am afraid that if I don't catch and remove the bug he will hurt himself or wreck my house.

Learn from my dog.
Fear defies logic.  Examine it before you swallow it like truth.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

CREATING MYSELF

I have sort of floated through my life for the last whole bunch of  years, achieving here and failing there.

So...

All of a sudden I get this command from the great unknown to actually create myself and take responsibility for who I am and what I have chosen. I believe that generally speaking this job is one most women do in their teens, twenties and thirties.  Not me. I was too busy proving myself to the rest of the world and when I wasn't doing that...drinking beer and getting into very difficult marriages. I have spent decades establishing patterns that don't work with the concept of creating myself. They are connected to doing what others want me to do, filling roles others want me to fill or that need filling, and floating along with out really thinking or making much of an effort.

Now, apparently, I am hag enough to be myself and ready to embark on the sacred and holy journey of becoming and /or revealing who God made me to be.

Just because this is absolutely necessary, sacred, and holy doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits that I will not follow through.

I am petrified and excited and clueless.

Lovely.

Monday, February 27, 2012

SAUSAGE SPHERES

My kid and I were making sausage balls the other night when all of a sudden he decided he didn't like touching sausage balls and he would be a whole lot more comfortable touching sausage spheres.

So...we made sausage spheres.

I don't have any idea why calling sausage balls sausage spheres makes them taste like green beans but that is what they tasted like.

Amazing what one little label will do.

Friday, February 24, 2012

PROBLEM SOLVING MIRACLE SOLUTION # 1

Problem Solving Miracle Solution #1.

Shut up and be grateful for what I have.


If the gratitude doesn't fix the issue, chances are the shutting up will.



Thursday, February 23, 2012

THE RULES

OK. I have been informed that I need to establish some ground rules for my site.  I am so excited.  I always want everything my own way so this is my big chance to operate out of my phycho control freakiness AND feel like a saint while I'm at it. Win-win.

The rules:
               1.)     Be nice.  I mean it too.  This doesn't mean you can't disagree.  You
                        are allowed to disagree.  You are not allowed to be mean or disrespect-
                        ful.  If you don't feel nice - don't comment.  Simple.
               2.)     Don't be selling your stuff without my permission. This is my website.
                        If you want to sell stuff  make your own site.  I do have plans to sell
                        other peoples stuff on here so if you really think that our outlooks are
                        similar and would work together contact me and we can talk about it.
                        The final decision is mine.  Of course.
               3.)     Don't be shoving your religion or your concept of right and wrong down
                        anybody's throat on this site. Especially mine.  I have a religion and a
                        church and I believe in God and I live my life with God as the center of  it.
                        We will not be arguing religion (or anything else I don't want to argue
                        about) here.
               4.)     Don't be babbling on and on.  I am the only one that gets to do that here.
                        I am a world class babbler and I will suffer no threats to my status in my
                        own kingdom.  If I venture out of here - feel free to throw your hat in the
                        ring.
              5.)      No cussing.  I have worked like a dog to eliminate cussing from my list of
                        bad habits and if I can't do it, I'm not letting anyone else do it either. Sour
                        grapes type thinking - for sure.  Also - the way it is - for sure.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

QUOTES

The best thing about quotes:  By their very nature they don't blather on and on. They make their point quickly and are done with it.  If this were not the case, they would be paragraphs, articles and books instead of quotes.

The second best thing about quotes:  They allow me to not blather on and on.  This a way cool thing.  Some people would say this is the reason quotes exist.  If you are one of those people let me know and I will take you off my Christmas card list.

Here's a quote my friend told me regarding procrastination. 

                    "PROCRASTINATE LATER"

Seems to me that if this doesn't say it all, it says enough, and I can just simply shut up now.

Way cool.

AHA!!

I bought some makeup at Belk yesterday and the saleswoman told me that for every one night makeup doesn't get washed off the face - the face ages three days.

I'm glad to know the reason I look seven hundred fifty three and a half years old.

Or - maybe I'm not so glad.  Some things just don't need knowing.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A MISTAKE?

I made wild raspberry jam that didn't set.  It made unbelievably good raspberry syrup.  I will never admit that I didn't intend on failing that brilliantly.  It was all in the plan and I meant to do it.

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Monday, February 20, 2012

A LESSON IN HUMILITY

His name is Freedom and he is beautiful.

When he sees me he runs up and shows me every attention he can think of. He looks into my eyes and sees my heart. His whole body wags. He jumps around like hes just too excited to sit in one place. All is well on in the world when our dog loves me.

I feel totally enchanted and I tell my kid exactly that.

My kid says "don't get too big headed about all that love he's showing you Mommy. He also loves cat poop. And if he had to choose between it and you he'd take the cat poop".

"Of course" I say. "Yes." "You are right."
I felt the breeze when enchantment flew out the window.

I have never - until this moment - really and truely given any thought to how I stack up against cat poop and I am not liking it.

Round two: Cat poop-1, Me-0.

Unbelievable.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

THE CONVERSATION

I have been struggling lately.

At first I thought I couldn't get a groove on. No big deal. It will come together in time.

Then I knew I was nowhere near a groove. A bigger deal but not panic inducing.

Then... not only is my groove in the next county but I have no idea what is going on in my life; I'm confused, ineffective, cranky and am losing myself at every turn. Panic is in the building and doing push ups.

What I don't get is that I really have nothing to complain about. All my basic needs are taken care of. My kid is so beautiful it takes my breath away. I have people to love and people that love me. My health and that of my family is pretty good. Everything is fundamentally well.

So - I tell all this to God. I unload everything. How I feel selfish to be feeling this way and I really ought not to be feeling this way but I do feel this way and... and...and... GOD WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I CHANGE?!?

Sometime in the darkest part of the night I got the answer.

Learn to cook.

Me: WHAT?!?! HUH?!?! ARE YOU NUTS?!?! FOR REAL?!?!

Learn to cook and write. Do it every day. The answers will come.

Me: I don't want to learn how to cook! I don't like to cook! I want people to cook for me or buy food for me already prepared! I'm fat! I'm broke! My career has temporarily evaporated and I haven't worked in a year! My marriage broke up three years a go and I can't make it work and I can't let it go! I'm worried about my mom! And the answer is learn to cook?!?!? And write?!?!?


Yes.


Me: What about a job?!?!? I need a job?!?!?


Look for one. Hard. And while you are doing that - learn to cook. And write.

Me: My kid! How is learning to cook going to help him?!? I need to be there for him!!! I am a mother. I have responsibilities!!!!

Learning to cook is not going to hurt him. You being lost and no where near your heart WILL hurt him.
On and on the conversation goes.
The answers came quietly and firmly while my resistance, evading, arguing, and bargaining came full of self pity and immaturity. I fought the fight of a fifty year old toddler. The answers didn't need to fight because they had already established authority. They were obviously coming from way down deep in my heart or from something way bigger outside of myself. Or both. Probably both.
Now THAT intimidated me. Big time.
So I surrendered. Not gracefully or bravely or well intentioned or in any other good way. I surrendered like a loser and only because I couldn't win.
Fine. I will do what I can to cook and write every day.
Round one: Me - 0, The answers - 1.