FEAR

My dog weighs somewhere around seventy five to eighty pounds. He's got teeth like an alligator and is strong enough to pull a 200 pound person miles down the road if he so chooses. He was bred to hunt bear but I don't let him do that. He commands attention and respect wherever he goes.

Here is the thing. He is petrified of stink bugs. One little bug will make him shake, howl, and run into walls.  I am afraid that if I don't catch and remove the bug he will hurt himself or wreck my house.

Learn from my dog.
Fear defies logic.  Examine it before you swallow it like truth.

CREATING MYSELF

I have sort of floated through my life for the last whole bunch of  years, achieving here and failing there.

So...

All of a sudden I get this command from the great unknown to actually create myself and take responsibility for who I am and what I have chosen. I believe that generally speaking this job is one most women do in their teens, twenties and thirties.  Not me. I was too busy proving myself to the rest of the world and when I wasn't doing that...drinking beer and getting into very difficult marriages. I have spent decades establishing patterns that don't work with the concept of creating myself. They are connected to doing what others want me to do, filling roles others want me to fill or that need filling, and floating along with out really thinking or making much of an effort.

Now, apparently, I am hag enough to be myself and ready to embark on the sacred and holy journey of becoming and /or revealing who God made me to be.

Just because this is absolutely necessary, sacred, and holy doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits that I will not follow through.

I am petrified and excited and clueless.

Lovely.

SAUSAGE SPHERES

My kid and I were making sausage balls the other night when all of a sudden he decided he didn't like touching sausage balls and he would be a whole lot more comfortable touching sausage spheres.

So...we made sausage spheres.

I don't have any idea why calling sausage balls sausage spheres makes them taste like green beans but that is what they tasted like.

Amazing what one little label will do.

PROBLEM SOLVING MIRACLE SOLUTION # 1

Problem Solving Miracle Solution #1.

Shut up and be grateful for what I have.


If the gratitude doesn't fix the issue, chances are the shutting up will.

THE RULES

OK. I have been informed that I need to establish some ground rules for my site.  I am so excited.  I always want everything my own way so this is my big chance to operate out of my phycho control freakiness AND feel like a saint while I'm at it. Win-win.

The rules:
               1.)     Be nice.  I mean it too.  This doesn't mean you can't disagree.  You
                        are allowed to disagree.  You are not allowed to be mean or disrespect-
                        ful.  If you don't feel nice - don't comment.  Simple.
               2.)     Don't be selling your stuff without my permission. This is my website.
                        If you want to sell stuff  make your own site.  I do have plans to sell
                        other peoples stuff on here so if you really think that our outlooks are
                        similar and would work together contact me and we can talk about it.
                        The final decision is mine.  Of course.
               3.)     Don't be shoving your religion or your concept of right and wrong down
                        anybody's throat on this site. Especially mine.  I have a religion and a
                        church and I believe in God and I live my life with God as the center of  it.
                        We will not be arguing religion (or anything else I don't want to argue
                        about) here.
               4.)     Don't be babbling on and on.  I am the only one that gets to do that here.
                        I am a world class babbler and I will suffer no threats to my status in my
                        own kingdom.  If I venture out of here - feel free to throw your hat in the
                        ring.
              5.)      No cussing.  I have worked like a dog to eliminate cussing from my list of
                        bad habits and if I can't do it, I'm not letting anyone else do it either. Sour
                        grapes type thinking - for sure.  Also - the way it is - for sure.

QUOTES

The best thing about quotes:  By their very nature they don't blather on and on. They make their point quickly and are done with it.  If this were not the case, they would be paragraphs, articles and books instead of quotes.

The second best thing about quotes:  They allow me to not blather on and on.  This a way cool thing.  Some people would say this is the reason quotes exist.  If you are one of those people let me know and I will take you off my Christmas card list.

Here's a quote my friend told me regarding procrastination. 

                    "PROCRASTINATE LATER"

Seems to me that if this doesn't say it all, it says enough, and I can just simply shut up now.

Way cool.

AHA!!

I bought some makeup at Belk yesterday and the saleswoman told me that for every one night makeup doesn't get washed off the face - the face ages three days.

I'm glad to know the reason I look seven hundred fifty three and a half years old.

Or - maybe I'm not so glad.  Some things just don't need knowing.

A MISTAKE?

I made wild raspberry jam that didn't set.  It made unbelievably good raspberry syrup.  I will never admit that I didn't intend on failing that brilliantly.  It was all in the plan and I meant to do it.

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

A LESSON IN HUMILITY

His name is Freedom and he is beautiful.

When he sees me he runs up and shows me every attention he can think of. He looks into my eyes and sees my heart. His whole body wags. He jumps around like hes just too excited to sit in one place. All is well on in the world when our dog loves me.

I feel totally enchanted and I tell my kid exactly that.

My kid says "don't get too big headed about all that love he's showing you Mommy. He also loves cat poop. And if he had to choose between it and you he'd take the cat poop".

"Of course" I say. "Yes." "You are right."
I felt the breeze when enchantment flew out the window.

I have never - until this moment - really and truely given any thought to how I stack up against cat poop and I am not liking it.

Round two: Cat poop-1, Me-0.

Unbelievable.

THE CONVERSATION

I have been struggling lately.

At first I thought I couldn't get a groove on. No big deal. It will come together in time.

Then I knew I was nowhere near a groove. A bigger deal but not panic inducing.

Then... not only is my groove in the next county but I have no idea what is going on in my life; I'm confused, ineffective, cranky and am losing myself at every turn. Panic is in the building and doing push ups.

What I don't get is that I really have nothing to complain about. All my basic needs are taken care of. My kid is so beautiful it takes my breath away. I have people to love and people that love me. My health and that of my family is pretty good. Everything is fundamentally well.

So - I tell all this to God. I unload everything. How I feel selfish to be feeling this way and I really ought not to be feeling this way but I do feel this way and... and...and... GOD WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I CHANGE?!?

Sometime in the darkest part of the night I got the answer.

Learn to cook.

Me: WHAT?!?! HUH?!?! ARE YOU NUTS?!?! FOR REAL?!?!

Learn to cook and write. Do it every day. The answers will come.

Me: I don't want to learn how to cook! I don't like to cook! I want people to cook for me or buy food for me already prepared! I'm fat! I'm broke! My career has temporarily evaporated and I haven't worked in a year! My marriage broke up three years a go and I can't make it work and I can't let it go! I'm worried about my mom! And the answer is learn to cook?!?!? And write?!?!?


Yes.


Me: What about a job?!?!? I need a job?!?!?


Look for one. Hard. And while you are doing that - learn to cook. And write.

Me: My kid! How is learning to cook going to help him?!? I need to be there for him!!! I am a mother. I have responsibilities!!!!

Learning to cook is not going to hurt him. You being lost and no where near your heart WILL hurt him.
On and on the conversation goes.
The answers came quietly and firmly while my resistance, evading, arguing, and bargaining came full of self pity and immaturity. I fought the fight of a fifty year old toddler. The answers didn't need to fight because they had already established authority. They were obviously coming from way down deep in my heart or from something way bigger outside of myself. Or both. Probably both.
Now THAT intimidated me. Big time.
So I surrendered. Not gracefully or bravely or well intentioned or in any other good way. I surrendered like a loser and only because I couldn't win.
Fine. I will do what I can to cook and write every day.
Round one: Me - 0, The answers - 1.