TEN YEARS OLD AND BRAVE

Last night my kid remembered he didn't brush his teeth after all the lights were out and he had gone to bed.

Then he remembered how scared of the dark he was.

So...he gets up, slowly (very slowly) fixes his pajama bottoms and slowly (very slowly) tucks his t-shirt in. When I asked him what he was doing he said he "was getting his brave on".

Then he ran into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, ran back to the bedroom, and said "that was stinkin' scary Mommy but I did it anyway"

This child of mine says everything I need to know about anything with his actions.

I want to be just like him.

IF ONLY HE WOULD...

Me:  (in my absolutely correct, self-righteous voice)  "IF ONLY HE WOULD GET A JOB, STOP WITH THE DOPE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ANGER AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES THIS MARRIAGE COULD WORK".  I meant it too.

Her:   An awesome Higher Power with an awesome dog (in a non-judgemental ...for real... voice) "Do you look at the western skies and want them to be drywall and spackle instead of wide open? Do you look at a zebra and want it to be a giraffe, a kitten or a pine bark beetle? Did you look at  your week old son and want him to be potty trained and playing varsity basketball?"

Me:   "No. Never." In my head i was thinking "What kind of damn question is that?" but i didn't let it fly.

Her:   "Well then....you have a start and are on your way."

And so I was. The clueless look on my face was for real.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME

Here are five weird things about me:

     1.)     I only eat an even number of cheese and crackers. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I eat an odd number of  cheese and crackers but it doesn't matter because I don't do it.
     2.)     I keep my underwear in a drawer in my dining room. Either it's a freudian slip or I had an empty drawer and a need to put my underwear somewhere.
     3.)     I drive better when I wear lipstick. I don't question this. It's the way it is.
     4.)     I sleep on the floor all over the house. And sometimes I wake up in different places than where I went to sleep.  So far I haven't gone to sleep or woke up on the bathroom or the kitchen.
     5.)     I think people who drink grape soda throw up on buses. I think I'm right about this but I can't prove it.

OK... So I am weird...And honesty isn't always dignified...And I am not sure if this is about humility or humiliation...But it's the way I am and I am cool with it.

GENTLE HEART?

I saved a stink bug today. It was drowning upside down in my dish water. I picked it up and took it outside and made sure it flew away.

I don't know whether I am a gentle heart, a superhero, or an idiot.

There is a stink bug out there that thinks I am a superhero. I'm thinking the bug is right. So... for tonight I am claiming, celebrating, and living in my superhero capabilities.

It's a hard job but somebody's got to do it.

RIGHT

Sometimes...when I am at my most trivial and small...I give a crap about being right. Worse than that I loose site of the fact that I don't have the right to hurt people because I am right nor do I have the right to shove something down somebodies throat because I am right. At that point, I leave the land of trivial and small and jump headfirst into the land of disgusting. And damaging. And ignorant.

That is where I went today. It felt like it was justified at the time and it feels like $#!t now.

Damn it.

INTERVENTION

I watched INTERVENTION on TV for the first time and two weeks later I still have the urge to throw the sofa through the television.  What really kicked my butt was watching how deadly the enabling and care taking was and knowing just how much of it I have done in my life. I am totally and absolutely more comfortable being a drunk and belligerent abusive person and trying to change that than I am being somebody that is abusing somebody else in order to be comfortable and make myself feel OK. I always justify myself by saying that the other person will feel so much better if they just did things my way because I have their best interests at heart. Those last couple of statements prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that  honesty can be undignified.  And so can I.  Some parts of me make me want to puke.

Al-Anon...Here I come.

ABOUT ME

OK.... Jamie H. is NOT my real name. It is the name my boy gave me.  "H" IS my middle initial.  Hawk Kai is not my kids name either. It is what I call him because of his ability to see things so clearly.

I am not trying to hide anything whatsoever. I have chosen to use these names partly because they mean something to me and my kid and partly because I take the concepts of anonymity and humility very seriously. That is the reason I don't list my location.  I am hoping that what I choose to write about touches the human heart in all of us rather than some prescribed label group created to categorize people into certain places and leaving them there. I believe in everybody and I want this to be a place where people feel free to grow, heal, change and become whatever they are created to be. That may be harder if people knew who I am and where I am coming from.

That being said, I write about me, my life, loved ones, and my experience along my way and those that have met me may reconize some of my stories.  If that happens I ask that you not tell the world who I am because in reality, I am just one in billions, trying to do the next right thing. and while I do actually know my name, that is about all I know about myself. This whole thing is an expedition into the great wide open to find myself, create myself and be myself.