WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME

Here are five weird things about me:

     1.)     I only eat an even number of cheese and crackers. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I eat an odd number of  cheese and crackers but it doesn't matter because I don't do it.
     2.)     I keep my underwear in a drawer in my dining room. Either it's a freudian slip or I had an empty drawer and a need to put my underwear somewhere.
     3.)     I drive better when I wear lipstick. I don't question this. It's the way it is.
     4.)     I sleep on the floor all over the house. And sometimes I wake up in different places than where I went to sleep.  So far I haven't gone to sleep or woke up on the bathroom or the kitchen.
     5.)     I think people who drink grape soda throw up on buses. I think I'm right about this but I can't prove it.

OK... So I am weird...And honesty isn't always dignified...And I am not sure if this is about humility or humiliation...But it's the way I am and I am cool with it.

RIGHT

Sometimes...when I am at my most trivial and small...I give a crap about being right. Worse than that I loose site of the fact that I don't have the right to hurt people because I am right nor do I have the right to shove something down somebodies throat because I am right. At that point, I leave the land of trivial and small and jump headfirst into the land of disgusting. And damaging. And ignorant.

That is where I went today. It felt like it was justified at the time and it feels like $#!t now.

Damn it.

ABOUT ME

OK.... Jamie H. is NOT my real name. It is the name my boy gave me.  "H" IS my middle initial.  Hawk Kai is not my kids name either. It is what I call him because of his ability to see things so clearly.

I am not trying to hide anything whatsoever. I have chosen to use these names partly because they mean something to me and my kid and partly because I take the concepts of anonymity and humility very seriously. That is the reason I don't list my location.  I am hoping that what I choose to write about touches the human heart in all of us rather than some prescribed label group created to categorize people into certain places and leaving them there. I believe in everybody and I want this to be a place where people feel free to grow, heal, change and become whatever they are created to be. That may be harder if people knew who I am and where I am coming from.

That being said, I write about me, my life, loved ones, and my experience along my way and those that have met me may reconize some of my stories.  If that happens I ask that you not tell the world who I am because in reality, I am just one in billions, trying to do the next right thing. and while I do actually know my name, that is about all I know about myself. This whole thing is an expedition into the great wide open to find myself, create myself and be myself.

CREATING MYSELF

I have sort of floated through my life for the last whole bunch of  years, achieving here and failing there.

So...

All of a sudden I get this command from the great unknown to actually create myself and take responsibility for who I am and what I have chosen. I believe that generally speaking this job is one most women do in their teens, twenties and thirties.  Not me. I was too busy proving myself to the rest of the world and when I wasn't doing that...drinking beer and getting into very difficult marriages. I have spent decades establishing patterns that don't work with the concept of creating myself. They are connected to doing what others want me to do, filling roles others want me to fill or that need filling, and floating along with out really thinking or making much of an effort.

Now, apparently, I am hag enough to be myself and ready to embark on the sacred and holy journey of becoming and /or revealing who God made me to be.

Just because this is absolutely necessary, sacred, and holy doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits that I will not follow through.

I am petrified and excited and clueless.

Lovely.