TEN YEARS OLD AND BRAVE

Last night my kid remembered he didn't brush his teeth after all the lights were out and he had gone to bed.

Then he remembered how scared of the dark he was.

So...he gets up, slowly (very slowly) fixes his pajama bottoms and slowly (very slowly) tucks his t-shirt in. When I asked him what he was doing he said he "was getting his brave on".

Then he ran into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, ran back to the bedroom, and said "that was stinkin' scary Mommy but I did it anyway"

This child of mine says everything I need to know about anything with his actions.

I want to be just like him.

IF ONLY HE WOULD...

Me:  (in my absolutely correct, self-righteous voice)  "IF ONLY HE WOULD GET A JOB, STOP WITH THE DOPE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ANGER AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES THIS MARRIAGE COULD WORK".  I meant it too.

Her:   An awesome Higher Power with an awesome dog (in a non-judgemental ...for real... voice) "Do you look at the western skies and want them to be drywall and spackle instead of wide open? Do you look at a zebra and want it to be a giraffe, a kitten or a pine bark beetle? Did you look at  your week old son and want him to be potty trained and playing varsity basketball?"

Me:   "No. Never." In my head i was thinking "What kind of damn question is that?" but i didn't let it fly.

Her:   "Well then....you have a start and are on your way."

And so I was. The clueless look on my face was for real.

RIGHT

Sometimes...when I am at my most trivial and small...I give a crap about being right. Worse than that I loose site of the fact that I don't have the right to hurt people because I am right nor do I have the right to shove something down somebodies throat because I am right. At that point, I leave the land of trivial and small and jump headfirst into the land of disgusting. And damaging. And ignorant.

That is where I went today. It felt like it was justified at the time and it feels like $#!t now.

Damn it.

FEAR

My dog weighs somewhere around seventy five to eighty pounds. He's got teeth like an alligator and is strong enough to pull a 200 pound person miles down the road if he so chooses. He was bred to hunt bear but I don't let him do that. He commands attention and respect wherever he goes.

Here is the thing. He is petrified of stink bugs. One little bug will make him shake, howl, and run into walls.  I am afraid that if I don't catch and remove the bug he will hurt himself or wreck my house.

Learn from my dog.
Fear defies logic.  Examine it before you swallow it like truth.

CREATING MYSELF

I have sort of floated through my life for the last whole bunch of  years, achieving here and failing there.

So...

All of a sudden I get this command from the great unknown to actually create myself and take responsibility for who I am and what I have chosen. I believe that generally speaking this job is one most women do in their teens, twenties and thirties.  Not me. I was too busy proving myself to the rest of the world and when I wasn't doing that...drinking beer and getting into very difficult marriages. I have spent decades establishing patterns that don't work with the concept of creating myself. They are connected to doing what others want me to do, filling roles others want me to fill or that need filling, and floating along with out really thinking or making much of an effort.

Now, apparently, I am hag enough to be myself and ready to embark on the sacred and holy journey of becoming and /or revealing who God made me to be.

Just because this is absolutely necessary, sacred, and holy doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits that I will not follow through.

I am petrified and excited and clueless.

Lovely.